The water is deep and murky! It surrounds me with an all-consuming force. I cannot feel the bottom of this endless sea of fear. There is terror below me that I cannot quite fathom an image of. I know it is here but I cannot see it; don't even know what it truly is. I struggle, trying to keep my head above the surface. My arms and legs are flailing in all directions. I can sense the danger and I am helpless to do anything other than be overcome with sheer panic. The water splashes against my body, trying to pull me under, trying to drag me to its depths. I try to breathe, inhaling large gulps of air, but my lungs have decided that now is not the time to co-operate. Suddenly, it feels like a weight is on my chest, crushing any chance of air entering its cavity. I am aware of people above me....on a boat or a ship perhaps....they are partying, having fun, ignorant to the life-sucking force that has bound me to this tragic end! I try to scream out to them but no sound comes, none is audible. Everything is black!
......and then I wake up!
As I lay, looking up at the ceiling, being embraced by the soft, calming sheets of my familiar bed I reflected on the details of what I'd just experienced. I knew that this dream was an indication of where my head is at the moment...where my life is. I have been trying to determine what it is that is forcing such a subconcious reaction.
Is it the turmoil of coming to terms with the fact that I am not getting any younger? Is it perhaps the fact that last week, I returned to work after an extended holiday and begrudgingly embraced all the stress that goes with it? Maybe it is the fact that this week, my beautiful son started high school and I have had to face the realisation that he is closer to being an independent adult who simply does not need my advice anymore. It is also possible that it is sheer frustration at the fact that my house and life is an unending cycle of clutter and clean....a cycle that I never, ever feel on top of. Or is it that I live every waking moment with a chronic back injury that inevitably will end in a risky operation. Or perhaps, it is simply that last week I found my first ever cluster of grey hairs on my head....a stark slap in the face to the fact that my body is prepared to age not-so-gracefully.
Whatever the reason, my dreams are obviously making a point....that something is terrifying me and that I simply don't feel that I'm coping!
But there is hope! Last week, I had the absolute priviledge to attend a work seminar given by Bruce Sullivan. By the end of the first morning session, I realised that I had laughed my way through most of it! And then it dawned on me! Bruce's anecdotes were so funny because they were so familiar....as if he had been observing little parts of my life and used them to reiterate his point on the way we (don't) cope with life's stresses! I guess that I wasn't alone either because I wasn't the only one laughing at the figurative mirror that he was holding up in front of all of us!
So this week, I have decided to start anew! I have decided to wake up with the energy and attitude that a 4 year old does! I have decided to focus on outcomes and not the time and effort it takes to get through a task....or each day! I am going to be more aware of the 'facts of life' that I cannot change and learn to accept them! I will focus on making more memories and more 'me' time to balance the part of my life that feels out of control and suffocating! Let's see how I go!
Oh, and if you have ever had the opportunity to sit through one of Bruce's seminars, then answer me this......does the fact that I regularly write a blog confirm the fact that I am truly more a 'red' person???!!
